On the road again

I started writing this post thinking I’d spend it updating y’all on the latest Tenuver Adventures of the past month or so. There’s certainly lots to tell see that we haven’t talked in a while. There were some some really rather huge waterfalls that we went to see in Iguazu, Argentina. There was a quick trip to Paraguay where we did some fine business dealings with a microfinance bank (and saw Avatar in 3D). And of course, there was the Month of the Family, which consisted mostly of horse-back riding, wine drinking, beef eating, mountain climbing, dinosaur seeing, baby cuddling, beach laying, mai tai taste-testing, card playing and mischief making. Most recently, we’ve also had a marvelous week in Mexico City that I’m happy to report, is NOT as scary and way more fun than it’s made out to be.

And… I promise that I’ll get to all that.

But not today. Today is our 6th month anniversary on the road, and I think that deserves a moment or two for reflection. The truth of the matter is that the last few days or maybe even the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a little bit pensive. Thoughtful. Introspective. There’s been a lot to think about. We were with our families for a month. We had to say good bye. Friends back home are getting new jobs, moving to new cities, having babies, starting new businesses – and we’re participating in all of it from a distance. We moved from South America to Central America, marking the start of the last part of our travels. And, of course, today we passed the six month mark – a milestone that makes me think a lot about what has passed, and what’s to come.

You’d think that seeing that I set my own schedule these days, I’d have tons of time for thinking about all this, for processing and coming to a conclusion or two. Or, you might think that I’d be too busy running around having a jolly good time to think too much about all these things, and that any doubts or worries would just slide right off me as I flit off to the next culturally fabulous experience in these far off places.

But really neither of these things have been true for me. Lately it’s been feeling like there might NEVER be enough time to fully digest where I’m at right now, and while we’ve been flitting here and there to see this and that, somehow it hasn’t been enough to take my mind off of the thinking.

All this has left me in a state of quiet melancholy. This is not a sob-your-eyes out kind of sadness, or eat-an-entire-bag-of-Doritos depression. It’s just a lingering nagging feeling that there’s some “stuff” that still needs to be worked out and thought through. And I’m slowly realizing that I might not actually work through all of it in an efficient manner, that I can’t time box my processing… that sometimes you just have to sit with things.

In case you’re curious, here are a few of the things I’m working out, through and around these days:

I’m feeling a bit nervous (and a little bit sad) about getting back on the road.

I guess technically we never stopped “traveling”, but really, these last 5 weeks have been a huge change for us. We were sleeping in comfortable beds. We were eating three good (often great) meals every day. (You can’t underestimate the powerful presence of good food in your world.) Some one else was making most of the decisions. We had people around to speak English to.  We were sharing our days with people we loved and cared about. As we get ready to jump back into travel schedule without all these luxuries, I feel a bit rusty, and a bit apprehensive.

First of all, it just takes so much damn work… deciding where we’ll go, how we’ll get there, where we’ll stay, making reservations for all of the above, planning for snacks and meals to ward off hangry-ness while traveling, finding good/safe places to eat our meals once we arrive at the new destination, seeking out the best museums and/or activities for the day, making sure that we get up in time to attend said activities, remembering not to brush your teeth with water out of the hostel faucet, making sure that you have enough Imodium and Cipro in case you DO brush your teeth in hostel faucet water etc. etc. etc.

Here’s the thing… when you’re in the swing of traveling, all of this stuff isn’t such a big deal. It’s not that it’s fun, or not fun; it’s just your life, so you do it and it’s certainly nothing to complain about – It’s part of the adventure. But I’ve been spoiled these last few weeks and I’ve gotta say that I’ve loved it. It’s been carefree and fun and comfortable, and giving up your creature comforts after you’ve had them for a while isn’t so easy to do. So I’m feeling a bit nervous about getting back to the planning and the discomfort and uncertainty.

As far as the sadness part goes, that’s a part of it that is totally understandable and easy. We were missing our people. We got to see some of our favorite people and spend good quality time with them. Now we’re missing them again. Easy to figure that feeling out. What was unexpected was how it would make me realize how much I missed all the other people in my life that we didn’t get to see. There’s that general homesickness that is sort of part and parcel with this experience, but then there’s something else. There’s this realization:

I’m realizing that life is going on without me.

Ok, this is hugely obvious. This is part of the deal. We leave. Life goes on. But sometimes you do like to imagine that everything that’s not immediately in front of you (like our lives and our people back home) have just hit the big ol’ PAUSE button. I get that this is totally narcissistic to admit and it makes it sound like I wish the world would just revolve around me (which of course I do). But, the point that we were “missing out” on things became so tangibly obvious after seeing our families  — like for example, seeing that our nephew has grown from a teeny little babe, into a teeny little person with a great smile and a sweet personality. G and I have worked really hard to build a community of people that we love and care about and love supporting and being supported by. It’s a part of our lives that I’m most proud of. And while keeping in touch via email and skype is good, there are BIG things going on in my people’s worlds, and I realized that what I’m missing more than the creature comforts or the nights out on the town with friends or the cups of tea at the kitchen table, is that I’m not able to be there for my people the way that I would like to be. I feel like I got a little wakeup call and reminder that even for all that we’re getting out of this experience, we’re also giving up certain things. It’s a decision that was conscious and that I’d make again, but still… that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard sometimes, or that sometimes you long for the things or the experiences or the people that you don’t have close to you.

Which leads me to my next point:

I’m realizing that life will NOT be the same when I get back.

Again, no-brainer, right? But sort of startling when I re-realized that this will be/is the case. Ok, so life is going on without us, but that therefore also means that since the PAUSE button hasn’t been pressed, when we DO get back, it‘s not like we’ll just step back into our world as we previously knew it. In fact, pretty much everything will be different. Different apartment, different jobs… ok, that’s the easy part (which makes me a little queasy to think about all by itself). But, the part that really makes me hyperventilate is that our community is also changing. Some of our dearest people have (or are) moving away, which means long-distance friendships to cultivate. Others have started families which means that we’ll be learning how to integrate ourselves into the new shape their lives are taking. Not a bad thing… just different. Also, we’ll have to make new friends. GASP! The working adult’s worst nightmare — friend dating. The uncertainty of what our lives will look like upon re-entry brings up more questions than answers… and these are questions that will just have to go unanswered until we’re actually back home and working through these things. Maybe that’s what’s frustrating me the most. I am realizing that things will change, but there’s really nothing I can do to prepare myself for it. It’s sort of impossible to be proactive, and that’s frustrating as hell.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by what’s next.

So, since I can’t tackle the really tough stuff (like how to build/re-build my community), I start focusing on the stuff I can think about, that I can be proactive about… like the impending job search that I know I’ll undertake sometime this summer. Ugh… let the waves of nausea begin. Let’s set aside for a moment the fact that we’re in the worst recession in generations. Let’s set aside the obvious obstacles that come with explaining why I’ve been jobless for a year. Let’s set aside the fact that I loath (LOATH!) the self-destructive, depressing downward spiral of self-doubt that comes from the inevitable roller coaster of job interviews, rejections, searching for more potential matches and more rejections. Let’s just take that whole big filthy ball of stink, and set it all aside for a few moments. Let’s focus on something that should be a little more uplifting.

The truth of the matter is one of the things I was hoping for on this trip, through this stepping away from one reality into a freer, more open experience, was a revelation. In particular – a revelation about my professional direction, my career ambitions, my passion. To keep things short… so far, I got nothing. There’ve been a few moments of enlightenment. But those have been few and far between and any clarity has clouded over rather quickly. 

I’m disappointed, but more than that…

I’m feeling confused about looking ahead. And a little bit angry.

I feel like part of me was just hoping for enlightenment to perch itself upon me, for good ideas to come without any work at all and that I’d have effortlessly reached consensus about what was next for me. This would be great for two reasons: I’d have a powerful motivating next step when I got home and I’d be able to just kick back, relax and enjoy the journey I was currently on.

The truth is, since my magic fairy godmother hasn’t told me what I’m supposed to do with my life (yet), that means I still have to think about it, and that makes me concerned that I’m not paying close enough attention to the Here and the Now.

I’ve realized that if I do want to sort through some of this stuff about “what’s next”, that means I’ll actually have to work at it. But I don’t want to. It sounds uncomfortable and like too much hard work, and like it’ll take me away from the experiences I want to have. So I ignore it. And then the “why aren’t you thinking about this?” questions starts to play on repeat in the back of my head.  I feel drawn to think about and work towards what I want in the future, but then I feel guilty about not being in the Now, and a little angry for a) not having a plan and b) not paying attention to and enjoying this precious experience for what it is. And so the vicious cycle begins.

So I make deals with myself, like “I won’t think about The Future until X date”. This works pretty well and is both a good procrastination tactic and good for me because I’m anal enough to want to put something on my calendar. However, the date that I subconsciously set for myself was right now. I figured when we got to Central America I’d either have it all figured out (thanks to previously mentioned fairy godmother), or it would be a good time to start that hard core soul-searching and deep-thinking process.

And, here we are in C. America (well, technically, Mexico is N. America, but I meant this part of the trip. But, now that I think about it, that technicality may buy me a few more weeks of “freedom”), and still no action plan. What to do? What to do?

I’m feeling like time is running short.

I realize that with three months (almost to the day) left of traveling and doing whatever it is that we want to do is an unheard of luxury, so please excuse me when I say that time is running short. I get that three months is a long time. But it’s going to fly. I know it will. Especially if I spend it all trying to BOTH be present with where I am right now, AND trying to process all of the “stuff” above. When I start thinking about time… I get a little hyperventilate-y all over again. The petty infantile (and sort of spoiled) side of me asks questions like, “What if I don’t get to see everything I want?” But that thought is squashed pretty quickly by the reminder from my more mature self saying “You won’t get to see everything, and that’s ok.”

Some final thoughts…

My more mature self continues on… asking Big Questions like, “What do I want to have learned looking back?”, “How can I be really present and a proactive participant in my life for (well, always… but in particular for) the next three months?”, and “What would I be proud of to take home with me (metaphorically)?”

These are deep questions, and ones that Garrett and I have spent a lot of time thinking and talking about together. And when I start setting things aside… the guiltiness, the lonely homesickness, the self-doubt, the confusion, the panic-y need to try to “figure my life out” etc, I slowly start to realize that all of this thinking, even this lingering melancholy is all part of where I’m supposed to be at right now.

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone, asking these hard questions, stumbling over the answers… that’s part of why I wanted to come on this this trip. I’m starting to be ok with not feeling perfectly content every moment. I’m starting to be ok with longing for comforts, for people, for home every once in a while because it is a really good reminder of what’s important in my life. All those things are important to me, I should long for them. At the same time, being ok with NOT being home, makes me be creative about how to create “home” anywhere that I am, about how to find comfort in unexpected things, how I can be supportive and involved in the lives of people I love, even from a distance, how I can long for “home” even while I’m enjoying and appreciating being very very far away from anything familiar.

So, in all of this… I guess what I’m saying is that yes… I’m feeling very “thinky” as of late. And I’m trying to be ok with that; to balance the “Thinky” with the “Being in the Now”. Most of all, I’m trying to just pay attention, to not be oblivious to why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, to dig a little deeper than what’s comfortable, to be ok with the discomfort, to sit with the discomfort and the confusion for a while and then to find ways to move past, around or through it, to trust that the Now is great and that the Tomorrow will be even better. I don’t always believe that, but I’m trying to.

And a picture to end the post…

A few days ago, a dear friend of mine sent me a self portrait showing how she feels about herself and her life right now – it showed her actively working towards balance in her life. Lovely, expressive and a brave step towards consciously acknowledging where she was at in her world. She encouraged me to take a moment and create my own self portrait. At first, I was too self conscious to attempt it. It seemed like such a vulnerable thing. And hereI was thinking thinking thinking all the time… contemplating myself, my life, where I was, where I wasn’t, where I wanted to be… all of it feeling like just a little too much frankly. And did I really need to share all those thinky thoughts? But then we arrived in Mexico City. The bedroom we were staying at in our friends’ home had some gorgeous art in it. And I realized this was the Universe giving me the push I needed.

I think this pretty well captures where I’m at right now. I’ve titled it: “Thinky.”

p.s. I am currently soliciting recommendations for What Should Katie Do? You’re all smart people… I figure I’ve processed enough for one day (thanks for listening) so I’m going to take the day off with all this “Thinky-ness” and maybe the rest of you want to take a crack at figuring out my life. So… have at it. I give you carte blanch. Do your worst. Ok, no… do your best. I’ll eagerly be awaiting your thoughts (that is, I’ll be eagerly awaiting them while I’m off trying my damndest to be in the Now).

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